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Deaf, HOH, and ASL Jokes

... continued

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 

22 AIDS:
One day at the end of a church meeting, the person conducting asked, "is there was anything more that needs to be brought up before we end the meeting?"
One of the oldest members slowly raised his hand. "Yes. I guess I should tell you that I'm going to have to resign my position."
Most of the members around the table looked surprised at the gentleman.
He continued, "I went to the doctor the other day. I now have AIDS."
Astonishment filled the room. As they starred at him in amazement, he went on.
"It's true. I now have an aid in my left ear and another in my right ear!"
(Kerry Rasmussen from Ogden, Utah swears this is a true story.)

A young deaf American was taking a vacation overseas. He got a Eurail pass and toured Holland, France, Belgium, and a bunch of other places before ending up in Germany. At his first village, he went into a pub and there, off in the corner, were three older German gentlemen who were signing. They appeared to be deaf. The young man watched and figured he could understand the signs enough to carry on a conversation.

He got a beer and asked if they would allow him to join them, and they did. They chatted about this and that, and soon conversation gave way to how each of them became deaf. The first older German said, "Well, I was a soldier in WWII, and my platoon was hit by a big American mortar, and it exploded near my head, and I lost all my hearing." The American boy was kind of saddened by this. The second German went on:" I was in a UBoat and my job was to listen for enemy ships. An American destroyer dropped a depth bomb on my ship, and it went off very close to it, and I lost my hearing as a result." Oh no, thinks the young American. How awful. The third German held forth: "I was in a plane, and we were struck by a bomb, and it went off right next to me, and it blew out my ears, and that is how I lost my hearing."

Well, that was just awful, the young American thinks. My country is indirectly responsible for these poor chaps going deaf. He was sad about this until they asked him how he became deaf. Smiling, he signed, "Well, before I was born, my mom got German measles."
-- J. Brotnov

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

A hearing man is hitchhiking late at night on an isolated highway. His car had broken down and he was hoping for a ride to the nearest town or telephone. After a few hours of walking and thumbing for a ride, a car finally pulls over and lets him in.

Upon entering the car the hitchhiker realizes the driver is deaf. This doesn’t bother the man and the two gesture back and forth with one another. After a few minutes the driver decides to fully depress the gas pedal and speed. Because the car is a convertible, the hearing man loses his hat and both passengers’ hair is blowing wildly in the breeze. The gauges on the dashboard are steadily rising and the hearing man is actually a bit frightened.

Suddenly, as if from nowhere, red and blue lights can be seen in the rear view mirrors and the car is pulled over. As they pull over, the deaf man puts one finger over his lip and looks at the hearing man, “Shhhh.” The police officer comes to the driver side of the car and asks for the driver’s license, the deaf man gestures to the police officer that he can’t hear or understand him. The hearing man follows suit. The police officer nods his head, looks around, then over enunciates the words, “S L O W D O W N !” The deaf man nods his head innocently in agreement.

As they’re driving, the deaf man becomes tired and pats his hand over his mouth as he yawns and stretches his arms. He makes eye contact with the hearing man and gestures for them to switch places. The hearing man agrees and is soon driving the car down the isolated highway. After a few minutes, the deaf man is fast asleep in the passenger’s seat and the hearing man is feeling adventurous. Assuming that the chances of them getting pulled over again are pretty slim, he presses the pedal to the metal and is zooming quickly toward the horizon.
As luck would have it though, he too is soon pulled over and a police officer steps up around the side of the convertible. The officer says, “I need your license and registration please…” The hearing man has a quick brainstorm and begins feigning deaf. He gestures to his ears then motions that he doesn’t understand. The police officer smiles and signs, “OH YOU’RE DEAF? MY PARENTS ARE DEAF, WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
--Submitted by Tim Clark

26. SOAP
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
--Nan C.

Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing!
What are the symptoms?
It's a show about a little yellow family, but what
has that got to do with my problem?


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