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Deaf, HOH, and ASL Jokes

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39. Lumberjack:
There was a lumberjack who chopped trees all day and would yell "TIMBER" just before each tree would fall. One day he set out to cut down a tall tree. He cut and cut cut. "TIMBER" he yelled. But the tree didn't budge. He'd chop some more and yell "TIMBER" and yet the tree wouldn't fall.  So he went to a tree doctor and angrily said, "I keep cutting this tree and shout 'TIMBER' but it never falls! What's wrong with it?" The doctor checked out the tree and then fingerspelled T-I-M-B-E-R.  The  tree fell down.  The tree doctor then looks at the flabbergasted lumberjack and says, "The tree is Deaf."

40.  Two older women run into each other outside an exclusive department store. The first woman is carrying lots of packages and it’s clear she’s been shopping.

Woman 1: I don't know why we haven’t seen you around the club lately. I ran into your doctor and he said he told you to diet and exercise.
Woman 2: Really? I thought he said, “Buy it and accessorize!”

41.  Sign Language Puns (groaners)

How do mathematicians communicate?
Sine language.

How do hyperbolic mathematicians communicate?
Hypersine language.

How do biblical prophets communicate?
Heavenly Sign language.

How do astrologers communicate?
Star Sign language.

How did the Israelites in the Promised Land communicate?
Zion language.

How do picketing traffic engineers communicate?
Sign language.

How do naval cadets communicate?
Ensign language.

How do couturiers communicate?
Design language.

How do lighthouse keepers communicate?
Shine language.

How do real estate closers communicate?
Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign Here and Sign Here and sign...

How does everyone communicate on December 31st?
Old Lang- syne -uage.

How did Gertrude communicate at the Bavarian Oktoberfest?
She used Stein language.

How do heirs communicate?
Scion language.

How do lovers communicate?
Sighin' language.

How do tech writers talk?


42.  My mom used to say 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.' And that's how I got into sign language.

43.  A musician was wandering in the jungle when he came upon a clearing that seemed to have acoustical merit. He prepared his violin and began to play.

The music was so beautiful that the wild animals started to gather, they lay down and they all listened. Even the predators were soothed by the music.

Suddenly out of the brush appeared a leopard, he pounced on the musician and tore him to pieces.

A lion asked the leopard “Why in the world did you do that?”

The leopard replied “Huh?”

44.  Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a strange noise he heard in the engine," she explained.

"Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger.

"Not exactly." replied the stewardess, "It just took us a bit to find a deaf pilot."

45.  During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

46.  Question:  What does Santa Claus say when he loses his hearing-aids?
Answer:  Huh? Huh? Huh?


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